"What's the difference, don't they all just look the same inside?"

I have figured out my problem. I know what's wrong with me.

I'm the chick that everyone fucks, and no one loves.

Plain and simple. That's it.

Every one of my romantic relationships ended (mostly) because of sex issues.

The first one gets shipped off. We can't have sex. So I cheat on him until I end up in a relationship. That relationship ends when the guy realizes he can't fuck a fat girl anymore. The one immediately following likes the sex, but can't keep up. So I cheat on him with a guy who can, only to have my heart broken when he picks love over sex.

I'm not one hundred percent positive that any of them really loved me. And this disturbs me.

Sean and I were out at a bar tonight. For whatever reason, it was awkward from the get go. And then a girl who lived in Germany was brought into the picture, and I can't compete with that. I gave up an hour into it. My only hope was that he'd stay overnight with me. Not to fuck, not to make out with. Just to feel someone else's body heat, to feel that I didn't deserve to cry myself to sleep again, to have a human being near me.

He walked me home with a chaperone. Some guy who fights for money. Just so it would be ensured that he wouldn't stay over, that he'd be an adult and get up for his job without some whore distracting him.

This is who I am. This is WHAT I am.

I will never be good enough to marry. I will never be good enough to be a mom. I'll never be one of those "normal" women who is loved for being me. I will always have sex hanging over my head.

I can't even begin to explain how much this hurts. There isn't a word big or bold enough to explain this.

So I'm going to smoke until I forget that I loved any of them, that they never loved me, that I am capable of feeling anything towards anyone. And then I will cry until I can't breathe and am immobilized into sleep.

I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do right now.