"Come around to another time when you don't have to run."

I feel like I have to write. I have this bundle of emotions that's all tangled up, and it's killing me. So this is just me vomiting out words, it's nothing of extreme importance to you guys.

Sean spent the night. We walked back to my place after work, had some beer. There was a lot of laughter, a lot of reminiscing, a couple tears. We sang Madonna, talked about Florida and everything I'm afraid of. He kissed me, and my heart broke.

He didn't sleep with me. Wouldn't, rather. He said that when we first got together, he wouldn't sleep with me right away, and it only felt right to have it come full circle.

I'm closing a lot of circles lately.

So we fell asleep in each others arms. He snored, I kicked him. I rolled around, he wouldn't budge. It was so comfortable.

He left a few minutes ago. I'm still crying, to be honest. I can't explain why, and that's the worst part. I don't understand why it hurts like this. It's an odd sort of dull ache, it's numbing and piercing at the same time. And I can't rationalize it away, I can't just tell myself it's okay.

I think I loved him more than even I imagined.

I shouldn't be stuck in this "woulda coulda should" mode. I've got shit to focus on. I've got a new life to build. But I meant everything I ever said to him. I meant it. I don't mean things very often, and I forgot how much ferocity I put into things when I want them enough.

I feel like a bad person. I feel like I fucked so many things up here. And, for as much as I like to say that I'm leaving this town and everything and everyone behind for good, I know that I'm still going to Florida with a wildly broken heart.