Oh noes, he's in my head!

I have to say, I'm pretty happy with my life right now.

It's been a very, very long time.

For the first time in...years, I'm with a guy who treats me well. Okay, I'm not WITH him, but...we're friends, and we're intimate. I'm okay with that, though. Relationships take effort, and I can't give that much of myself right now.

But for the past 4 years, every relationship I had was a bad one. A serious relationship with a cocaine addict; a relationship with a physically/sexually/mentally absusive guy; a long-term FWB relationship with an alcoholic slash asshole.

Now I have something that makes me happy, and I don't have to do anything but be myself for it to work. The sex is incredible; the friendship is even better. Rob's done more for me in the past month than some people have in years.

Friday night, we went for a very short drive. He took me to his thinking place, and we told stories about our friends and stared at the stars. I bought him groceries since his hours got cut, and he was ridiculously overjoyed about that. We went back to his place, and I did something I never thought I'd do again...

I gave him a lap dance.

Now, for those of you who don't know, I worked as a dancer very briefly. The older guy friend I have in Harrisburg recruited me one night when I was drunk. I danced on and off from May to September.

Dancing was something that I loved and despised at the same time. First of all, there was the money. Money is quite a powerful thing- you'd be amazed at the things you are capable of doing for fifty bucks. The power was another part of it- men wanted to PAY me just to get naked. It was quite an ego boost.

On the other hand, some of it was downright disgusting. One guy paid me 60 dollars to do 2 songs. The entire time, though, all he wanted me to do was run my boobs over his crotch. Seriously, it was one of the most disgusting and degrading things I've ever done. It's almost worse than having sex with someone you don't like, in a weird sort of way.

Anyway. Back to my point.

I gave Rob a lap dance. I've NEVER given anyone a lap dance that I knew personally. I half assed it once for Mike, but I don't even count that. It turned into sex within 30 seconds. Something about dancing for someone you know/care about is harder than doing it for random strangers. You look at them more, you notice them noticing you. You know that when you're done, you still have to deal with them.

I threw on my heels, my halter, my Deftones mixed cd. I blindfolded him for the first minute, just to get him excited. I was scared shitless.

But it was okay. I was in tune with my body, with his. I was comfortable. I didn't feel like he was just drooling over me. He actually WANTED me. That doesn't make any sense- I suppose men at the club wanted me, too, but...this is a different kind of want.

The dance was passionate and incredibly intense. I got more into it than I thought I would, and I touched him more than I ever touched a customer. I nibbled on his ear, ran my hands across his stomach, pulled his shirt up and licked his stomach...and down towards his waistband. (That drove him crazy, I found out. *Mental note*.)

He finally looked at me and said, "I hate this 'no touching' rule."

So I grabbed his hands and placed them on my ass. His fingers wandered between my skin and my thong; he kissed me. I kissed and licked and nibbled on his neck, his earlobe.

And we danced, in a metaphorically amazing sort of way.

The sex was incredible. I orgasmed somewhere along the lines of 7 times, and we hardly ever stopped kissing. I moaned into his throat and pulled on my hair when he didn't. I love being on top when I'm with him; and that's unusual for me.

He offered me a break (thank GOD, because my inner thighs were killing me. I did a seven song set, which is a LOT longer than I'm used to), and he crawled on top of me until we were huddled together. He rocked into me, with me; and it was passionate and electric. He pulled me in every time I came, and we actually came together at the end. Our bodies could not have been any closer to each other at that point, and I've never felt anything resignate like that in my life.

We collapsed and laid there; him on the floor, me on the futon. We talked about the euphoria we were feeling, about how good it was. And for the first time ever, he said that he didn't doubt his sexual prowess at that moment. He's told me before that he often questions whether or not he's good in bed; but at that moment, he had no doubt that it was good for both of us.

After we regained feeling in our bodies and could move again, I rubbed his shoulders and his head. He was surprised, responding to my actions by saying, "Wait, you massage, too?!"

I made him crawl onto the futon with me so I could rub his entire back, and at that point in time, he let go. He told me about the past 6 months of his life, and why he feels so unsuccessful lately; like there's something just out to get him because everything's going wrong.

I have no idea why, but I felt like he was sharing something with me that was almost sacred. I felt like he was letting something out of him that wasn't supposed to happen. He was laying on his back, and I was propped up on my elbow, listening. I stroked his hair when he got upset; and to my surprise, he reached up and brushed my bangs from my face. It was such a tender gesture, and I genuinely didn't expect it.

I'm starting to combine sex and emotion. It's very strange for me. I'm afraid of it, but at the same time, I'm excited. I think this is going to end either very well or in an incredible disaster.

But it's one day at a time, right?