Details.

Alright, that short bit wasn't enough. I feel like I have to tell the story. So here goes.

Friday, Rob showed up at my apartment at noon or so. I was napping, so he woke me up and sat down on the couch. That was when bells started going off in my head- he always sits next to me or at least in a close proximity. Then I looked at his face, and I knew. I couldn't tell you how, but I just knew he was leaving me. "We need to talk," he said, and I nodded. He started shaking, and he couldn't speak. We sat in silence for a moment, and then I finally blurted out, "Just say it. Really, don't sit there and prolong it, just spit it out."

"I still have feelings for Joan," he said, "And that's not fair. Not to you, not to me, not anybody."

I sat for a minute, holding my knees against my chest, staring into space. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream and cry and hit him. But I couldn't.

So I told him to leave. I told him to get out.

And he did.

I started sobbing as soon as he got down the stairs, and it only got worse when I saw he had taken the key to my apartment that I gave him off of his keyring and left it on my coffee table.

I called Mariah immediately after he shut the door. She was at work, and I could only manage to cry hysterically and try to tell her that he left me. She asked me if she needed to come over, and I said yes. When she got here, she told me that she honestly couldn't understand a word I said on the phone, she didn't even know if I said "yes" when she asked if she should come over, but she knew something bad happened and did it anyway.

She brought me chocolate milk and cigarettes and rocked me in her lap while I cried and screamed. And then she began to text Rob. I had never seen her get so angry. She told him he was stupid, that she had never seen me so happy as when we were together, and now she was seeing me more sad than she had ever seen in her life. She told him he was an idiot and that I was the best thing he could ever have asked for, that Joan was going to bring him down and make him miserable.

His only response was that he knew how hard it was, and that he wasn't proud of himself, but he had to do it.

I started drinking at four pm. I didn't stop drinking until three am, at which point I asked Rob to come over. He did, and for a half hour, I sat and cried and told him that I couldn't just watch him leave. I had to at least try to fight for him. I told him he was so beautiful and that I needed him, that there was still so much to do together. And then I kissed him.

He didn't kiss me back. I pulled away, and a thought crossed my mind. A terrifying, horrible thought that broke my heart.

"You don't love me anymore, do you?" I asked him.

"Not like you want me to," he said.

He tried to leave, and I begged him not to. I followed him to the kitchen, I grabbed his arms and wouldn't let go. And then something even worse hit me- "You're going to her." It wasn't even a question, just a statement. "Yes," he said quietly. I realized that he had shown no emotion the entire time he was here, his face was blank.

I turned my face away and whispered to him, "I hope you two are as miserable together as you've made each other sound." He dropped my hands, turned around, and left.

I have never cried over another person like I did about him that night. I was suicidal at one point because it hurt so bad. I didn't understand how you could love someone so much one night, and then wake up feeling nothing towards them. I still don't.

So there's the story. I still cry myself to sleep about it, and I still want him back. I loved him more than I ever though I could love another person.

Two other things- today is the five year mark. Today. I have already thrown up twice, and I know that tonight is going to kill me. I told Rob what happened- all of it- and now I wish I hadn't. I have to do this without him, and I don't feel like I can. So everyone send out good energy.

And, finally, I have decided to be celibate for a month. It will be hard, but I think I need it.

Any psychoanalysis on Rob or the rape or anything would make my day. Thank you guys for being there, I love you all.