"Do you really want me?"

I had a frightening situation occur the other morning. Actually, it was yesterday. And perhaps "frightening" isn't the right word. Odd, maybe? Stupid?

Shawn was too tired to have sex with me. Rightfully so, it was 4:30 in the fucking morning. So we fought about it, and he passed out in bed. I got up and decided to text this guy, we can call him Troy.

Troy is a regular customer at my work. He and I texted on a regular basis, and he clearly wanted in my pants. I finally turned him down because A) I found Shawn and B) I wasn't crazy into him. After I turned him down, we stopped talking. I hadn't seen him in the store in about 2 months.

Well, I texted him. I told him that I wanted him to pick me up, fuck me, and bring me home. He agreed.

He picked me up and we went back to his place. And, let me tell you, it was a NICE place. I mean, HUUUUUUUGE. Brand new everything. Huge television. Stainless steel kitchen. It was gorgeous.

So we sit in the living room, and we're watching this B movie, making fun of it, when he excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. He comes back and informs me that he got sick, probably something he ate, and should take me home.

And he did.

So it's now six in the morning, I'm drunk, crying on my couch. I went back to bed and woke Shawn up, hoping he'd understand. I was upset because it was, like, holy rejection. I thought Troy was faking sick to get out of sleeping with me, and my own boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me. Am I too ugly? Too fat? Why?

Shawn thought I was being overemotional, and was slightly irked that I woke him up, especially after going to bed angry. I can understand that.

But no one seems to understand why I was so upset about it.

My entire IDENTITY is wrapped up in my sexuality, my ability to get laid and to do it well. I don't do sexual rejection. I take it very personally, even if it's not meant to be that way. When I can't get laid, I feel like I'm a worthless human being.

I know, it's fucked up, but that's what I think.

In retrospect, I'm glad that Troy and I didn't do anything. I know I would have severely regretted it, and I'd be in a bigger mess than I intended to be. So it's a good thing. I just wish that people could understand why this sort of thing is so important to me.

For as much as I don't invest myself in lovers PERSONALLY, I invest something else in each of them. I wrap my self worth in them. I don't care about them as people or what they do with their lives, or if they leave as soon as they cum. That's fine with me, I prefer it that way. But if I'm rejected by one or any of them...that, to me, is the ultimate failure.

Messed up, messed up, but does it make any SENSE to anyone?

Or I am just completely crazy?