"I'm too afraid that I'm already lost in you."

I've reached a decision.

No more Chad. I just can't do it. I may be "allowed" to, but I'm not okay with it. There's nothing wrong with sex, and there's nothing wrong with having sex with people you don't know very well, as long as you're safe.

But, to me, this is just too...twisted. I can't be in the same room with both Rob and Chad without thinking about what I did. Rob and I are already awkward enough, I don't want it to be any more strange than it already is. And, besides, I would hate it if Rob slept with one of my friends. It makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not going to do it anymore.

Yay for morals.



Which reminds me.

Mike.

(He has no morals, haha, that's what reminded me.)

I spent the past three nights with him. And every second of it was amazing. Over the past 2 or 3 months, we've gotten closer than we've ever been. He introduces me to people as "my best friend", and everything's out in the open.

We still have sex. And it's just as amazing, if not more so, than before. We can go from nice to kinky in 2.5 seconds, and it's just as thrilling as it was the first time.

I currently have bruises on my throat from being choked so hard and my face is completely red from being backhanded- with the exception of two lines going down from my mouth where the ball gag was in place.

The first night was good. He was nice, and it was as good as sex can be when both parties are completely obliterated. He did, however, mention being in love. As I wrapped my arms around him and he pushed himself into me, he whispered, "I love you. So much" into my ear.

I told him I loved him more than that.

This never went away, you guys. Mike and I have always had...something. He might be a jerk, and he definitely has a drinking problem, but...there's just something. There's something I can't shake, no matter how fucking hard I try.

It was all rough sex after that. He fucked my ass while he bent me over his hammock, and he made me cry. He gagged me, he tied me up, he scared the everliving out of me, and I loved it. I have NEVER met a man who could do things like he does to me...let alone be GOOD at it.

Last night, we stayed with a friend. We ended up drinking Jager and attempting to go to bed around 6 AM. We ended up banging on their living room floor.

We fucked this morning in the shower with 3 people around, one of whom was 3 years old. He covered my mouth to keep me from screaming, and it was hot.



The dilemma I face is the same one I faced a year ago.

He wants me.
I want him.
I think we're in love.

But he's not attracted to me.

I've never tried to hide the fact that Mike is superficial. He is. He likes women to be pretty slim. That's fine, different strokes for different folks. However...I'm not slim. I'm a size 12. I worked hard to get here, and I just can't seem to get past the 180-lbs mark. I can't get skinnier. I walk to and from work every day (2 miles in total), I watch what I eat, and I can last longer in a kickboxing class than my 120-pound sister.

But he wants me to be smaller. He's not attracted to my body, and I don't fault him for that. I've been with guys that I just wasn't attracted to, and it drove me insane to bang them. I didn't want to do it at all, let alone on a regular basis.

So I have to make a decision. And I have to do it now. Do I charge into this 110%, doing whatever I have to in order to lose the weight? Mike brought up the point that not only will he make me his girl, but I will feel better about myself. That's true, it wouldn't be like I'm doing it all for him. That sort of thing never works out, anyway. I've always wanted to be skinny, I just lacked the...I dunno if it's drive or capability or what. I lost 100 pounds when I was 16- kickboxing, running, and the Atkins diet, hallelujah!- and since then, I've played victim and decided not to lose any more. I can't get past the 180-mark, so I gave up. I just try to maintain.

I don't know what to do. I fear that if I get into it too hardcore and it doesn't start working fast enough, I'll slip back into my bulimia. I've already been dabbling in it a bit more than I should have.

I'd have to give up a lot. I'd have to sacrifice and sweat and cry and bleed this.

But I'd be something more. I'd get what I want.




...Apples and water diet, here I come.