Last night, my friend interviewed me for a report he's doing in college. It was on sex addiction.

It was strange. I told him stories of me at my lowest, I told him about things that I did that, frankly, only terrible people do. I told him my concerns and my hopes, my trials and my successes. I told him about gang bangs and what it would be like to have a life where I didn't manipulate people into sleeping with me.

I was oddly comfortable talking about it at that moment. But I've been sitting on it for a good 16 hours at this point, and it's become surreal. It doesn't feel like me. It feels like this other person, someone from a terrible Lifetime movie, some chick in a porno.

I'm really struggling right now. My boyfriend is a virgin, and we're just now starting to get into sexual stuff. I gave him his first blowjob a couple nights ago...so it's BRAND new for him. It's frustrating to me. I'm trying to look at it like I can teach him how to behave sexually, I can basically mold him to my personal tastes. But it's not that easy. I have to keep from yelling at him sometimes because he's not ready to go all the way yet. I have to remind myself that the frustration, the way my body screams, will go away eventually, and I better fucking not do anything rash. This guy's too good to cheat on.

I think right now, I'm just hoping that I can remember all of the things I said during that interview. I hope I remember who I was, and why I don't want to be that person anymore.

Good news is, I'm going drinking tonight. It's been a while, and I really REALLY need it. :)