:/

I'm on drugs right now. This is more disturbing to me than I can let on.

I'm irritated. Someone that I know in real life knows about this website, so I can't write what I really feel right now. I want to, it's killing me. I'm hurting, and I'm hurting pretty bad, but I don't want this particular person to read anything about it.

I'll try to be vague.

I feel like I'm stuck. My heart is broken, and I can't move away from it. I can't cover it up with anything, despite my best efforts. I've started a new diet, I'm running again, I'm working a lot of hours, and I'm mending relationships with family members that are important. I'm distracting myself as much as I can. I just started with the drugs tonight, in my bedroom.

I was high as a kite, sitting on the couch with my mom, trying to hide it from her. Fortunately, I didn't smoke anything, so there's no lingering smell. All the evidence is gone as soon as I do it. I don't think she noticed. Surprise.

So I'm distracting myself, no doubt. I'm keeping busy, and it sort of works. And now I'm doing drugs, and it sort of works.

But then night sets in. I lay in my bed and I cry. I turn on the radio and I cry. I cried at work today, even. I'm running in place, maybe even in circles.

I'm not suicidal, but I don't feel like living anymore, if that makes sense.

I just...I've given up. I've become bitter and cynical. I'm wrapped up in anger and hate and anguish- I've never been like that before, and this is quickly becoming a lifestyle. It's more permanent than I realized. It snuck up on me, almost, and I've just let it happen.

I'm just not in a good place right now, and I don't see a way out.