I have realized how truly disgusting I am.
I've been sitting on my staircase crying for the past fifteen minutes. I am drunk.
I spent a half hour trying to convince someone to sleep with me. I left a bar and my friends because I thought he would sleep with me. He saw what state of mind I'm in and decided not to.
I understand that. But I'm mad. And my heart hurts, which I cannot explain.
I'm going to sleep in a corset shirt, a pencil skirt and five inch heels. I may sleep right here on the stairs.
Tonight has made me realize that going to Florida has to happen. I am so fucked up that I will BEG someone to fuck me. That doesn't happen...good people don't do that. Manipulative high school boys do that. Desperate men do that. I just had it happen to me, literally a week ago.
I don't know what exactly is wrong with me. But something is.
Not because I can't get men to fuck me. Not because I want to die when I feel rejected.
But because I am sitting on my staircase at two in the morning, in my sexiest outfit, drunk, crying and alone.
I am pathetic. I am exactly the same as the four guys who raped me. I manipulate people into sleeping with me. I have grabbed people, touched them inappropraitely to sway their decisions. I have used words and touch to force people to sleep with me- and, by technicality, that means I have raped people.
Us five...we are the same.
And it makes me want to die.
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5 comments:
Dinorider here:
A few words of wisdom
Although we wouldn't have had teh secks i would have totally chilled with you on your stairs in your sexy outfit
and more importantly the difference between begging a dude to have sex with you and gang-raping someone isn't like a tiny little gap. It's the great wall of china topped with razor-wire, guard dogs, armed sentries, and lava.
I think the fact that he wouldn't have sex with you shows that you're not pathetic and that he respects you...
As for moving... well maybe it is the best thing for no other reason than to remove yourself from the environment that has brought you to to sitting on the steps.
The important thing is to change not just the scenery but the way you live.
You can... I've seen the strength in you. You can do it.
you are not like them. Sweetheart you are so strong and so beautiful and truly a good person. I know you are really hurting right now. Just hold on the move will come soon enough and you can start fresh. I adore you and you know you can call me ANY time.
I've followed your blog for so very long, and I hurt when you hurt and get crazy happy when you are too. You really are not pathetic.
When I first started following, I'd had very little experience of sexual assault. Since then, I've been raped twice through a series of unfortunate events, and it breaks so much inside you. Your reaction to your rape so very long ago is very similar to my own. I recently started work as an escort - it means I can control when I get sex, but not always the how. It makes me feel as though I have power again. I might be totally wrong, but I think that's what you want to be able to do too, but you go about it in an arguably much more moral way.
You are nothing like the four guys who raped you. For them, it was just for kicks, and it wasn't a mere case of just touching you a little to sway your decision to sleep with them. Your desire for sex fulfils a need to escape, to control, to lose control... so very much. You still respect people enough not to force them into it against their will, and because of that respect, they respect you back - hence the guy tonight saying no.
I don't know what the future will hold in Florida. I think it will help some, but remember that whatever it is inside you will still be there unless you do something. Try a new therapist there, right from the get go. And stop hating yourself - we all love you. Trust our decision on this one: you are wonderful.
I have talked to you online and I have seen your picture. I think you are beautiful and I think you are a good person.
It sounds like you have a drinking problem.
I don't think you have nymphomania or a sex-addiction.
You just don't know how to deal with the sexual assaults.
Please get the help you need.
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