"Hoping this would take you home."

I'm pretty sure I promised a story a few posts ago. I never got to it, so it's about damn time that I did.

Rob came over to my apartment on October 11th (I know- that was almost a month ago. Whoops). He brought brandy and Season 4 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We watched most of it and got considerably sloshed in the process. Around 9, Amanda and Billy kicked us off the t.v. so that they could play video games. Rob and I went into my room to talk for a while. I guess we got on the topic of music; a Yellowcard song came on that sparked conversation about my former cello playing days. I was laying on my back and he was sitting in my chair across from the bed. I was mid-sentence, staring at the ceiling, when he abruptly cut me off by crawling on top of me to kiss me. I love love love love when he takes initiative and surprises me like that. Rob's pretty timid, so it's always great when he shuts me up with a kiss.

We spent so much time kissing and touching without actually taking our clothes off. My iPod was on shuffle, which made it infinitely more interesting- I was crazy worried about what would play next. When we finally got to it (which I almost didn't want to, since the kissing/touching felt so damn amazing), I thought I'd died and landed in Heaven. Thanks to iPod Shuffle, we had every kind of chemistry you could imagine; very sweet and almost delicate (thanks to Mineral and Jeff Buckley), wild and fast (Deftones and Dead By Sunrise), even slightly awkward, yet fun (Counting Crows and Britney Spears, what?!).

At one point, he picked me up and set me on the chair. I sort of kneeled on it so we could go doggy style. (And did I mention that I love love love when the takes initiative like that?!)

So we're going, and I start trying to sneak peeks in the mirror that's attached to my dresser. It stands about seven feet from the ground, and it's maybe four feet wide; in other words, perfect view. I didn't even know how crazy hot it would be. Watching him pull me in, nibble on my shoulder blades, grip my hips, arrrrgggh. And something about it was intriguing as hell- I couldn't stop watching.When he pushed his whole body against mine, or kissed my neck when I threw my head back in a moan- my god. I got goosebumps.

I asked him if he was watching. He said yes, and that he was surprised by how hot it was. We stood up, with his back to the mirror and me facing him, and I just stared while we kissed and ran our hands across each other. I flipped him around so he could watch while I kissed his chest, and it was fucking delicious.

The only thing wrong was the eye contact. When our eyes meet during sex, "electricity" isn't a strong enough word. It's enough to literally make me stop breathing. So I don't do it often- I'm scared it would connect me to him. But I noticed that he appears to have the same problem- every single time it happened, we'd look for no more than two seconds, and then one or both of us would break that contact. It's a shame, really- I'd like to feel how intense it would get, but that risk is too fucking great.

We took a break after the mirror- we'd been going for over an hour straight. While he was in the bathroom, I had gloated to Amanda. I had a cigarette, and then we continued to my room. I ended up rimming and finger fucking him until (holy shit, I couldn't believe it) he came. I didn't even realize he did, but, god. It was everywhere. ("I think it's even in your hair," were his words.)


He immediately said he could go again if I wanted, so I rode him until we both got off again. Unfortunately, this was not so good. My mind was running wild, and it was all about Mike. I couldn't stop fidgeting with the earrings that Mike bought me. I thought about Mike for at least 10 minutes of the sex with Rob. I felt horrible afterwards- I mean, words can't even describe how shitty of a human being I was at that moment. Rob went to the bathroom afterwards, and I ran to Amanda. I hugged her and cried, told her how much I missed Mike, and screamed that it just wasn't fair.

Rob knows me well. He took me for a drive after that. It was exactly what I needed. We laughed and we screamed at each other on the highway. We sat in the most comfortable silence for an hour at a time. We stopped only for piss breaks and Mountain Dew. When he dropped me off at home, it was 3 am- we'd been driving since 12:30 (For the record, we had sex for the same amount of time- started at 9 pm and went until 12 am).

Rob is moving to Ohio in less than a year. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I am going to miss the hell out of that bastard. He's probably the one friend I have who understands me and what I feel and what I need to make it better without even having to discuss it.

And, of course, I'll miss the sex.



In other news, Shawn and I are doing so well. I'm currently on my "off" week, due to that lovely lovely woman thing that happens once a month, so it's been pretty sex-less. I let him do anal with me last night, though. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it yet. After everything that happened, letting someone do that is really difficult for me. I trust Shawn, a lot, but...it just stirs up shit that I'm not sure I'm comfortable re-living.

Fortunately for me, he understands. He's a good guy, and I love him more than I can tell you. My boss and I have talked about him a lot, and how he will be affected by my rape, and Mike as well. I told her I feel like battered goods. Like I have something to offer, but the package is so torn up and gross that I'll be lucky to find someone who's willing to open it. Some day, I'll have to tell him exactly what happened, although I don't know when or how. I've never told ANYONE what really happened, how it all went down. The select people who know I was raped know just that. No details. No names. No faces. No memories.

Even Mike didn't know.

But Shawn is different. I think he can do this. Or, rather...I want him to do this. I want him to be it for me.