Not again.

I've been having nightmares again. Last night, I had a pretty violent one. I remember this time in April, I had them. And it killed me because I couldn't figure out what was triggering them. I know know what the triggers are, but I don't know how to fix it.

When the nightmares start, my sex drive usually does one of two things: a) it completely and totally dies. I have trouble having orgasms, and I have almost zero interest in sex. Or b) it goes through the fucking roof and spirals into a compulsion that I can't control.

Right now, I can tell that it's going to be Option B.

This scares the everliving Christ out of me.

It's been four years. Four very, very long years. I'm grateful that I've made as much progress as I have in those years, but I'm frustrated that I'm not further. There are days that I hardly think about it; but not one where I forget it. There are days where I'm angry and bitter and cynical about it; and ones where I'm a peace and forgiving.

It took me almost 2 years to be able to say the word "rape" out loud. I'm still uncomfortable with it, but I can say it. I can think about it without absolutely losing my fucking mind.

But I can't control the sexual outbreaks that I have as a result. I'm sure that someday I'll be able to, but I don't know how to just yet.

I believe that being raped had a direct link to being a nymphomaniac. I believe that being molested as a child had a direct link in it. I believe that genetics and environment and things that nobody had control over had a direct link in it. I think I just got royally screwed.

No one seems to understand that this isn't fun for me. It's all "Woot woot, found a chick friend that likes sex as much as me!" This isn't my idea of a good time. In all actuality, this is hell on earth for me.

I have good experiences with sex, and I have horrible ones. No one seems to see that this makes me a walking freak show, that I'm abnormal and I think it's written all over my face.

I should probably talk to my therapist again. We haven't spoken in a while, just because of distance and time and all that. They're excuses, and I know this.

I just want to be normal. I want to be like every other chick in this country that has to work for an orgasm, who appreciates them, who sometimes fakes a headache to get out of it and actually CAN use withholding sex as a threat to their S.O.s.

I've learned not to be as reckless with this as I used to be. I'm careful about who I sleep with, and when I'm not careful about that, I'm meticulous about using protection. I'm not worried about any of the physical results that could come of this- I'm worried about the mental ones.

I'm too young for this. I should be worried about going to college and paying bills, not all of that stuff AND how much of a slut I'm going to be over the next 2 weeks. There are way more important things to spend your time on.

I'm sure there will be stories and updates and vents, so stay tuned for that crazy shit.